Baby Joy
by Prankoholic
Summary: Lily wants a baby. James doesn't. Obviously, we all know what the outcome is gonna be. But not the road there. Changed summary because the old one didn't really...fit. T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Lily ran through the October rain. Wishing she had been smart enough to have brought an umbrella with her when she was going to visit her parents, she finally spotted that familiar white door through which she so many times had walked; on her way to Kings Cross, back from there, on the way to a friend or just so angry with Petunia she couldn't stand being in the same building.

But she was 19 now, and had moved out the same year she had graduated from Hogwarts and had left to live with James.

And she had been so busy she hadn't paid her parents one visit ever since. But today she was going to make up for that.

Knocking on the door of her parental home, the door opened almost instantly by Mrs Evans who embraced her in a tight hug before Lily even had got the chance to enter.

"Um…do you think you could let me come in? I'm soaking wet"

"Of course, like you have to ask! Come in, come in" her mother replied, letting go and stepping out of the way.

Lily took hung her jacket on the coat hanger

"Petunia arrived an hour ago; she's in the living room with daddy. She says she has big news, that's why I really wanted you to come. Not that I know what her news are, but I think I have an idea of what it might be" said Mrs Evans, smiling secretively.

She and Lily entered the living room. Lily looked around, observing all the familiar paintings and ornaments that she almost had forgotten about before joining the rest of her family around the coffee table.

"Pumpkin, how have you been? Your good-for-nothing of a husband better be treating you well!" said Mr Evans, getting up to hug his daughter.

Lily rolled her eyes, hugging him back.

"You offend me, like I'd let anyone treat me lesser than I deserve. I'm not helpless, you know"

They let go of each other and sat back down. Petunia examined her fingernails nonchalantly, not acknowledging Lily's presence. Lily cleared her throat.

"So how have you been, Petunia?" she asked, resisting the urge to transfigure her into and egg and scramble her. "Mom told me you have big news"

"That's right. Well, it used to be big news but I supposed it can't be compared to Miss Exceptionally Extraordinary suddenly coming to visit us commoners" said Petunia derisively.

"You still on about that, I see" said Lily, helping herself to some tea. "Would you like me to leave so my majestic attendance won't make you feel inferior?"

"I don't think sarcasm is very majestic"

"You call _me _sarcastic?"

"Yes, I do! Did you figure that out all by yourself, o' high and mighty-"

"Now stop it, both of you! Time out!" Mrs Evans barked. "Nobody is superior anyone else in here!"

Petunia took a biscuit and went back to analyze her nails. Lily took a sip from her tea, wondering why she had bothered to show up today as she couldn't care less of Petunias big news.

Mrs Evans forced a smile.

"So, Petunia dear, I'm dying to know what your big news is!"

"Yes, Bunny, when are you going to tell us?" said Mr Evans, putting the evening paper aside. He had started reading it when Lily and Petunia started arguing, thinking that he would manage to read every article before they were through shouting at each other.

"Well, you know how Vernon and I have been trying?" said Petunia, not able to suppress a beam. "Well, it's finally happened! I'm expecting!"

"Oh that's wonderful honey!"

Petunia and Mrs Evans jumped upside down of joy while Lily helped herself to some more tea.

"I can picture how her child will come out. Fat and bitchy" she muttered under her breath.

Petunia, who had an incomparable hearing, heard her of course and her smile faded.

"And I don't need to tell you how your baby will come out! A red porcupine with bad eyesight and horrible temper! That is if you'll ever get one of your own, which I strongly doubt!"

"And why is that, if I may ask!"

Petunia smirked. "Please, I've never met anyone so irresponsible and predictable as your lawfully wedded loser husband. I pity any child in his care"

"You're just still upset that he made your mascara turn your eyelashes into centipedes when we were out camping! Not that you didn't deserve it!"

"Now you're changing the topic. Could it be that you know I'm right? Not even you could be stupid enough to have a kid with some four-eyed moron that is capable of turn your baby into a centipede"

Lily flew up, so angry her face was redder than her hair.

"It was meant to be a secret, but I want to shut you up so badly I might as well tell you now! We are also trying! And I bet you everything I own, my pride included, that we will make better parents than you and that great prune you're married too!"

Lily stormed out of the house and apparated to the bus station. It had of course been a lie; there were no baby plans in her house. But James had been nagging a whole lot about it every minute awake they spent together, which was often as they even worked together so he probably wouldn't mind.

_(A/N: Ooo drama. Um...yeah, this is an idea I've had but kinda forgotten about. I especially didn't remember that I had written this.)_


	2. Chapter 2

"I mean, I have to break up with her! I just can't stand the ugly mole on her back! Last night, I swear I saw a hair on it and it's been haunting me the whole day!"

Sirius and James sat in the kitchen at James' place, playing with gobstones. They played with the same rules as the ones for Chinese Checkers. Sirius jumped over some of James' stones with one of his and thereby won the game.

"Yes, I am invincible!"

"Last week you swore that Abigail had descended from the skies, and you're going to let a mole with one hair spoil your happiness?" James asked, placing his stones back in their original place. "I actually thought that you finally had met someone that meant something to you"

"You don't have to worry about me, I've already met someone new and she is scorching!"

"Is it true? Will you really make it without the mole girl? Praise the lord; I don't have to spend the rest of the year worrying that you might jump off Big Ben"

"Nope. I wouldn't be surprised if Abby would try that, though. She's a real crybaby" said Sirius, not noticing or perhaps just ignoring the sarcasm.

"Well, you did forget to feed her hamster when she was visiting her sister"

Sirius was just about to move a stone when Lily appeared out of the fire and packed the stones and the board back in its box.

"Sirius, get out"

"What? I didn't intend to break that really expensive looking porcelain badger!"

"You- What!"

"Ok, ok I get the message. I'll leave!"

Sirius apparated himself back to his place before Lily got a chance to scold him for breaking her wedding gift given by her late grandmother.

"Anyway, I'll deal with him tomorrow"

"You sure are back early. So how was your-"

"You. Me. Bedroom. Now"

"Oki, doki"

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After a week of hard working, James, Sirius and Remus felt that they deserved a night out so they went to Hogsmeade the following Friday night to have a Butterbeer at the Hog's Head.

"Anyway, you'll never believe what news I've got for you" said James excitedly.

"Evans is pregnant" Sirius guessed, mildly interested.

"Not yet!" James beamed. "But we are trying!"

"That's great" said Remus, raising his goblet. "Cheers to that"

Sirius, however, choked at the news. James pounded him on the back.

"Don't you think you are a little young to be a parent?" Sirius asked. James frowned at him.

"That sounded like something Moons would say"

Remus rolled hi eyes. "Really, you make it sound like I'm always oppose everything just for the sake of it"

"I'm just wondering if you really have thought it through. Evans said she at least wanted to be thirty"

"Pads, weren't you at our wedding?"

"…Yeah?"

"Did you listen at the part when the Prizard said 'I now pronounce you husband and wife'?"

"What's your point?"

"My point is, stop calling her Evans!"

"I can't call her 'Potter'!"

"How about…'Lily'?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, that would be too weird"

"At least she stopped calling you 'Black' when we graduated"

Sirius waved a hand impatiently. "The point is, babies are not a dance on roses! They wake you up in the middle of the night! They wear nappies! They disappear! They spit everything out when you try feeding them! But the hell starts way before that! Once Lily is, you know" Sirius lowered his voice. "F e r t i l i z e d, she will throw up in the morning, eat for eleven and yell at you all the time! No wait, she does that already, but still! You will become her slave! No wait, you are that already. Point is, it certainly will tear apart the relationship you worked so hard on getting with her, because children are exhausting pains in the ass!"

Sirius raised his goblet and cheered to that.

"Still scarred from when your cousin made you babysit her daughter?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded.

"Some stains just won't be washed off…"

"You were 14 and her kid is a bloody chameleon!" James argued.

"Just promise me one thing. If Lily ever asks you to feed your kid something with ketchup, just run and don't look back"

_(A/N: Ok it's not great but you know it will get better. And quite pg13...I wonder what I rated this...If I haven't rated it T then I better do it.)_


	3. Chapter 3

_(A/N: Ok, this is wher it get T rated. T for language, you have been warned. Maybe it's not as bad as I make it sound, but I'm a real prude so...Anyways, enjoy!)_

It had been late when James came back from the pub. He felt something of a mixture between irritation over that Sirius had crushed his happiness so effortlessly and concern for that he might have been right.

Maybe he'd better talk everything through with Lily first before making such a serious decision.

Stepping out of the hearth into his living room, brushing the ashes off of his robes, he noticed rose petals sprinkled all over the floor, leading to the bedroom. The only light source came from what seemed like hundreds of candles, and the stereo was playing Barry White.

…_can't get enough of your love babe…_

James swallowed.

And he followed the petals.

"I thought you'd never come, tiger" Lily purred, drawing a circle with her index finger on the scarlet satin sheets she was lying on, as if suggesting James to come and lie down.

Oh great, she just had to be wearing that nearly transparent nightgown he'd otherwise plead for without result.

"Um…just one second, darling" he said quickly and went to the bathroom.

There in a cabinet he found his mirror.

"Sirius!"

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Meanwhile, Sirius and his new girlfriend sat on his black leather sofa, glued to each other.

"Oh Sirius take me now!" said the girl.

"As my lady requests" Sirius started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Sirius? Sirius, are you there?"

"Of course I am, but your blouse has so many buttons!"

The girl pushed his off. "That wasn't me! Is there someone else here?"

Sirius shrugged. "I'm pretty sure there's no one else here"

"Because let me make one thing perfectly clear, if you as much as glance at another woman, I will slice your gene transmitter off and keep it in a jar so no one else can have it!"

Sirius stared at her, terrified.

"I know you're there, Pads!" said the voice.

Sirius flew up. "That will be my…um…answering machine! Definitely no woman, so please let go off my arm!"

He hurried off, trying to remember where he had left his mirror. That's right; he had used it this morning at breakfast so it was probably in the kitchen!

"I'm here, what do you want?" he told the mirror.

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James peeked through the key hole and could see directly into the bedroom, and he could tell Lily was growing impatient.

"Pads, you have got to help me! Rose petals…candles…Barry White…Lily is trying to seduce me! What should I do, she's even wearing that nearly transparent nightgown I told you about!"

"Um…Rip it off and do her brainless?"

"Pads! Don't you remember what we talked about!"

"Right, right, _make love to her gently; _call it whatever you like-_"_

"And what we talked about earlier today? At the pub?"

Sirius tried to remember. "That Moony really need to cut his hair? Don't understand what he has got to do with your sinful activities, unless…" he paused to gasp. "How kinky!"

James rolled his eyes at his emancipated friend. He was always such a smooth talker whenever he tried to impress a new girl; James guessed this was why they always left him. Or it would have been the reason for them to leave him if Sirius didn't always dump them first.

"Pads, Lily want a baby! I used to too; until you scared me to change my mind with your horror tales from when you baby sat your second cousin! Now how can I resist Lily's attempts of wooing me?"

Sirius laughed at his friend's stupidity.

"I have no idea. What you could do, though, is to give her the _Fetuscruor Draught_" he said. "I hear it's not that hard to make, it will prevent pregnancy"

James nodded. "I'll look that up. As for now…maybe I'll just tell her I got the stomach flu"

_(A/N: Ok, so well...I know the name for the potion is way stupid and lame...I'm not as good as naming things as JK...and I certainly don't know any latin, so I used an online dictionary and it wasn't much help so...ah well. And there was just one T line...not so bad as I remembered lol...sigh as I mentioned, I'm a prude)_


	4. Chapter 4

Remus stroke a finger over the backs of a line of books on his one of his many shelves, looking for a particular one.

"Ah, here it is" he finally said, taking one out and browsed through it. "_The Fetuscruor Draught_, a highly effective and very commonly used potion that prevents the development of a foetus"

He handed the book to James, who read through the instructions.

"How come you were always so useless at Potions, with all these books in your possession?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. "No idea. When I brewed with Snape this one time, he didn't follow the directives at all"

"Neither did Lily" James muttered, still reading. "This will take 2 weeks to make! How can I possibly reject her advances for 2 weeks?"

"Well, just remain sick in your stomach flu for a week, and use the other to recover" Remus suggested.

"Take the advice from the master of stomach flu faking" said Sirius solemnly.

"I wouldn't say master, he had a shack to disappear too" said James sadly, and slammed the book close. "Anyway, I better get to Apothecary right away, and for some ingredients I might have to visit Knockturn Alley as well. Anyone coming with?"

Remus put the book back in the shelf. "So, have you talked to Lily?"

James smacked his forehead. "I completely forgot! Oh well, I guess I'll have to do that later"

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Knockturn Alley was never as crowded and loud as Diagon Alley. It was silent as the grave and because people there never talk, they just whispered. The only ingredient James hadn't found yet was a jar of pulverized fairy skulls.

"There are muggle pills with the same function, you know" said Remus, a devoted supporter of the rights of defenceless magical creatures.

They entered a shop.

"These stuff are going to be sold sooner or late anyway, at least Prongs is using it for a noble cause unlike the lot that usually buy this stuff" said Sirius, poking something that looked like a hairy amoeba.

"The noble cause being to protect the child from his irresponsible parenting?"

"Precisely"

"Thanks, mates, that warmed" said James sarcastically.

"I still think he should go to a muggle pharmacy and get contraceptives"

Sirius juggled with the troll toes.

"I went to a pharmacy once…You won't believe where milk really comes from…"

James grabbed a jar of what he needed and went to the counter to pay.

Lily was growing worried when James came back from Diagon Alley.

"There you are! Where have you been?" she asked, meeting him in the hall.

James instantly hid his shopping bags behind his back.

"Nowhere!"

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Are you cheating on me?"

"What! Of course not!"

"Then why are you lying to me?"

"I'm not lying!"

"Well you must have been somewhere! You can't just come in from nowhere!"

"I…Ok, Sirius needed to shop some potions ingredients so I went with him" he said, showing her the bags. "But then he forgot to bring them with him home"

"How come?"

"Um…because, we…um…decided to grab a coffee when he suddenly remember that he had to go…um…somewhere and just disappeared, forgetting his things"

Lily decided to accept his excuse.

"Anyway, is your stomach flue gone yet?"

James got a coughing fit all of a sudden.

"Hm" Cough. "Almost, but" Cough. "I still feel a bit" Cough. "Off colour"

Lily stormed off angrily to the kitchen. James followed.

"I knew it! You must be cheating on me, you lying piece of trash!"

"I'm telling you, I'm not!"

"Why else are you avoiding me all the time!"

"I don't want to pass on my infection to you, now do I?"

"You say you got the stomach flu and yet your 'symptoms' indicate that you have pneumonia!"

"I...all right, it's true! I got the pneumonia! And the docker said it's malignant too!"

Lily didn't believe how stupid he must have thought she was. "The word you're looking for is 'doctor'!" she shouted, throwing yesterdays Daily Prophet at him. "If you don't tell me the truth now, I will…throw away your bunny slippers!"

She picked up his bunny slippers from the floor and held the threatingly over the rubbish bin.

"You wouldn't!"

Lily opened the rubbish bin.

"Ok, wait! Look! I should be the one holding your precious bunny slippers over the rubbish bin! That is if you had any"

"What do you mean?"

"Let me ask you something, why do you want kids all of a sudden?"

Lily put the lid back on the trash can and sat down.

"You don't want kids? You use to nag all the time"

"Ok, hypothetically, what would you say…if I had changed me mind?"

"That you really have got no choice but obeying my command if you want what's best for you bunny slippers"

_(A/N: Er ok not much to say about this. I'm kinda going through a writters block. But there's a few chaps left for me to upload before I won't be uploading so frequently, unless my block is gone by then. Let's hope for that)_


	5. Chapter 5

_(A/N: Thanks for all reviews!)_

Purple fumes reeked from a size 3 pewter cauldron that stood on Sirius' kitchen table. James was stirring in something what looked like melted raspberry sherbet but smelled like mayonnaise while Remus read the instructions, the only thing he was useful of when it came to brewing.

"…stir counter clockwise 11 times…" James muttered, stirring. "9…10…There, 11. Now what?"

"Um…let me check…" Remus turned the page. "Leave it as it is until it stops seething, that may take a couple of days"

James, Lily and Sirius didn't have a job other than the volunteer work they did for the Order, because they wanted to lay all their youthful energy on the said organisation Dumbledore quite recently had formed rather than become aurors, because they only followed the commands of the ministry, and in their opinion they were just too easy on the Death Eaters and too afraid to put up a fight. Also, they were lazy (except for Lily maybe). So therefor, they could pretty much take the day off any time.

As for Remus, it was his day off. He worked at Flourish & Blotts, because he didn't have rich relatives to leave him a fortune after they died.

Sirius grabbed the latest issue of _PlayWiz_ that lied next to the kettle and fanned himself with it.

"Let's go somewhere…Don't feel like looking for DE's today…"

James took off his dragon skin gloves, Remus laid the book on the table, and the two of them sat down.

"I take it Lily threatened to expose your bunny slippers to mortal peril, huh?" said Remus, stretching his hair elastics so it broke.

"Yes…" said James. "You guys are right, I am whipped"

"Well, I don't blame you anymore" said Sirius, shivering "For I have met a lady that possibly is even scarier than your dearly beloved"

"Let me guess, she has split ends?" said Remus, trying to tie the ends of his now broken hair elastics together.

"That too, but she is also terribly jealous! A couple of days ago, when Prongs tried to contact me, she thought it was another woman and threatened to slice off my zucchini and keep it in a jar so no one else could have it!"

Remus looked up. "_Zucchini?_"

"How could she mistake me for a woman?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Your voice does get kinda shrilly when you're stressed"

"It does not!"

"Anyway, so I did what any sane man would have and wrote a suicide note. I said I was schizophrenic and couldn't stand the voices anymore"

"How did you die?" Remus asked.

"I drowned myself, but she doesn't know where so I can't be traced. If you happen to stumble upon her, try to conjure some tears"

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One evening a week later when James sat on the sofa reading the Wizard's TV Guide, starting to run out of excuses not to pass the snuggle limit, Lily gave him a bit of a start when she appeared out of nowhere next to him on the sofa.

"Don't worry, I'll leave you alone. Just answer me one question" And she lowered her voice. "You have a problem, don't you?"

"Um…beg your pardon?"

Lily gave him a look of sympathy and complete understanding, and that confused James deeply. Then she turned her head away reminiscently.

"I remember our first flying lesson. I remember how Miss Feather told us to hold a hand over our broom and say 'up' to make it levitate. Most of the student managed to get it in the air after only a few attempts, but I didn't make it at all. I felt so useless, but then Miss Feather told me this:" Lily paused to face James. "There is help to get"

James strongly suspected that Lily had finally discovered The second use of Floo Powder. "That's not how I remember it. You cried like a baby until I had to get it up for you, and then you yelled at me for 'underestimating your womanly competence' and called me a male chauvinist"

Lily exhaled noisily, and intolerantly so. "I was trying to make an analogy! You know, to indicate that I am aware of your problem, just to cautiously plant the idea of the possibility of you confiding in me without making you feel completely stripped from dignity"

James shook his puzzled head slowly. "I still don't understand a word your saying"

Lily smiled sympathetically and laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's ok. I understand now. Your broomstick won't levitate"

"Um, I was first to levitate it. I didn't become the quidditch captain for nothing, now did I?"

"No, I meant your _other _broomstick"

"…Um, all of them could fly"

"No, your biological broomstick! Your pleasure broomstick! My broomstick!"

James ridged back with mixed disgust and offence. "I-No! No! Absolutely no! How could you even _think _that!"

Lily got up to her feet. "So you really are cheating on me, is that it? Why else would you decline me all the time! That is my job! It's Rolanda, isn't it? I should have known…all those times you two sneaked off to 'quidditch practise'…"

"She was the keeper! And Sirius 'sneaked off' with us too!"

"Sirius too! I knew you were good friends, but _that _good…"

"Will you stop being paranoid! Look, ok this is how it is. You know how the longer two people are separated the better their, um, reunion gets?"

"…Yeah?"

"Well, I was thinking that it would be cool to try that. Let's give it a week, and then it'll be good enough for triplets!"

"But I just want one kid"

"Fine, we'll sell the other two. What do you say? Have we got a deal?" said James, reaching out a reconciling hand.

Lily smiled broadly and shook it. "Deal!"

_(A/N:Um...yeah...Not much to say about this really...)_


	6. Chapter 6

James poured a bag full of live spiders in the cauldron and set the timer on 5 minutes. Then it would finally be finished.

"So, Pad's, met anyone new yet?" he asked.

"Not since yesterday, no"

"Well? Tell me all about it! Could she be the one?"

"Nah, it didn't work out"

"What was the problem? Was her skirt way out of fashion?" Remus asked.

"Did her socks not match her eye colour?" said James.

"She wouldn't stop clinging to you?"

"She still keeps her stuffed teddies on her bed?"

Sirius lit a cigarette. "Let me know when you want an answer"

"Ok, please tell us what the problem was" said James.

"She wouldn't stop clinging to me. And just for future reference, if I saw stuffed teddies on a girls' bed I would put my put my pants back on and change my address"

"Yes, they are the worst aren't they?" said Remus airily.

"Indeed, unless you actually want to meet their controversially religious parents"

"Jeez, that's not generalizing at all…"

The timer rang and James lifted the cauldron away from the fire onto the kitchen sink.

"How do I know if I have done right?"

Remus summoned the book to him. "Is it an odourless transparent liquid resembling water?"

James smelled it. "I guess"

"Then the only way left to tell for certain is to try it"

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The sky was starry, the moon wasn't full but almost and the mood could not be have been more right when James stood in the kitchen pouring up some champagne in their finest crystal glasses.

Lily came into the kitchen, wearing a silk dressing gown and James guessed there was nothing under it.

"Ooo champagne" she said, impressed.

"Um, yeah, why don't you go put on some music, I am almost done here"

Lily did so and James reached for the bottle in which he kept the potion that lied in his pocket and poured a couple of drops of its contents in one of the champagne bottle, and prayed it would work.

_(A/N: Yes this part was kinda short)_


	7. Chapter 7

James sat by the kitchen table, whipping some cream. Sirius frowned at it.

"Are you gonna use that for what I think you're gonna use that for?"

James smiled secretively. "Well that depends what you think, Pad's"

Sirius whispered what he though to James, who shot him a sickened look.

"No! We're gonna dip strawberries in it!!"

"Then why would you smile secretively?!"

"Because this isn't non-fat cream. And I _don't _plan on letting Lily know"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Even your pranks are lame these days…"

"Well I am sorry I grew up"

Sirius reached for a strawberry, but James slapped his fingers.

"Those are for Lily!"

"I was just gonna take one!"

"That's how it always starts with you, then another one and then another one until there's nothing left"

"I was 12 and starving! And I asked you 'are you gonna eat that?'"

"And I said yes!"

"But I asked, didn't I?"

James sighed deeply. "You weren't the only one starving. I was brought to the underwater Merpeople city and got stuck there for 8 hours without human food too! Because you wanted to see if the squid was ticklish!"

"You have to let go of the past, Prongs" said Sirius unmoved, attempting to reach for a strawberry a second time. James slapped his fingers again.

"Oh come on!"

"I'll let you have just one, on one condition"

"Let's hear it then"

"Kneel down and cluck like a chicken"

"Not gonna happen"

"Well, it's your loss"

Sirius shot a shattering-charm at a porcelain vase with tulips that stood in the window, and took the opportunity to steal all the strawberries while James went to look up a vase-mending spell.

He was just about to start yelling at him for being a thoughtless prat when Lily apparated into the kitchen.

"Oh good, you're home" she told James. "Bye Sirius"

"Hello hello why do you always say good bye I say hello…" Sirius sang, not leaving his chair and wondering if that really was how that song went.

Lily started poking him. Hard.

"I ran into Petunia today. Apparently she had been tricked to think that she was going to have lunch with our mother too. Anyway, I was hungry so I thought 'fine, let's eat'. So she started boasting about how she just had seen her gynaecologist, what a lovely little boy she had seen on the screen, healthy and well-shaped-"

"Stop poking me, does your pathetic and whiny ranting even have a point?!"

"Yes. I need a kid that is healthier and more well-shaped than hers! So get out or I will make sure that you won't have kids ever!"

After several attempts involving yoghurt, cream cheese, well anything you can spread on things, and still no result, Lily started to get concerned.

One evening when James sat on the sofa browsing through the Evening Prophet, Lily decided that it was time to bring up the issue.

"I was thinking…We should see a doctor. And I say we, but I really mean just you"

"What are you talking about?"

"We've been trying for ever and no result! I think you might have problems with..._sending sparks_"

James wondered why Lily bothered with even more awkward metaphors.

"I don't have any problems with 'sending out sparks'! As it occurred to you that…you might be the one who can't make spells of the sparks?!"

"Please, don't talk rubbish! Tomorrow you have an appointment with a doctor that specializes on your problems! I can come with, if you want"

"I am not going anywhere!"

"Oh James don't be such a baby, it wont take long and it'll only hurt a little-"

"I don't believe what I'm hearing…My answer is no and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind!"

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Next morning, James apparated himself to Sirius' apartment and emptied his mini-bar.

A sleepy Sirius came out of his bedroom too see what was going on with his mini-bar.

"Hey, leave my mini-bar alone" he yawned.

James uncapped a fourth beer.

"You'll never guess what Lily wants me to do"

"Have your one-eyed trouser-snake checked by some creepy muggle?" he guessed spontaneously. He was good at guessing.

"How did you guess?!"

Sirius stared at him. "You're kidding me, I was right! Bloody hell, divorce her now leave the country!"

James sat down. "She thinks there's something wrong with me!"

"There are plenty of things wrong with you"

"Ok, she thinks there's something in particular wrong with you-know-who and wants someone to grope and poke him! I told her, maybe there's something wrong with her! For all she knows it could be! But nooo…"

Sirius shook his head compassionately. "I told you not to get married"

James went to the living room and lied down on the sofa.

"I am so doomed…"

"I may not know how help you, but there's no question the biggest brain of all can answer and no riddle he can't solve. I am talking about, of course, nerd of all nerds, chief Geek in the bookworm tribe, emperor of the dork kingdom-"

Sirius felt a sudden sharp elbow pierce into his back. "Ow!"

"You weren't talking about me, were you?" said Remus, who seemed to just have appeared.

"It so happens, I was. See, dear Prongs has this dilemma-"

James had gotten up and pinched Sirius real hard. "I don't want my embarrassment exposed to everybody, ok?!"

Remus sighed. "Has this anything to do with why you weren't at the Order meeting? Dumbledore sent me to check on you"

"Because we know that you have so much better things to do…" said Sirius.

"For all you know, I could have! For example, I really should sort the books in alphabetical order again…I just can't bring myself to put a book back where I took it-"

"Um, I'm sorry, here you thought I was asking for you dull life's story"

Lily popped in.

"I figured you'd be here, James. We better get going, the andrologist won't have all day "

Remus gasped and tried hard not to point and laugh.

"I'm coming with" said Sirius nobly. "As mental support"

"I'm the mental support!" Lily argued.

"None of you are coming!" James objected.

"I have to come with, to make sure that you're going!" said Lily.

"Fine then" James sighed.

"If she goes, I go!" Sirius whined. "I thought we were best friends! You might as well slice my chest open and throw my heart to the lions!"

"Fine!"

"If he comes, I want Remus to come" said Lily.

"But I don't really wanna come"

"I can't put up with two of them alone!"

"No one is forcing you" James pointed out.

"You are, by being unreliable"

"Can you blame me?!"

"Yes!"

"Let's bring the rest of the order along as well, it'll be fun!" Sirius suggested happily.

James wanted to punch him hard in the stomach.

_(A/N: Thanks to all who has reviewed! It's nice to know that people actually read this! Bah I ate too much...ANYways...I'm kinda in a writers block again...But that's 3 chaps aways...)_


	8. Chapter 8

Lily browsed through magazines, Remus commented the depressing hospital art, Sirius was too busy checking out the nurses to listen and James kept rocking backwards and forwards nervously.

"I mean, you think they would learn anatomy and perspective on whatever art school they went too, why is it that they insist on…painting crap!"

"It's as I always say, if you want to look at good art, check out the nurse over there" said Sirius, nodding at the woman sitting behind the information counter. "Now I want a physical!"

"I can't believe Elizabeth Tailor got married _again" _Lily mumbled, turning the page.

The clock ticked. James closed his eyes, trying to relax. He shivered every time someone in a white coat entered the room to call someone.

"Oh don't look so pale" said Lily, reaching for a new magazine.

"Yeah, I'd undress for her any time! Just whistle and my pants will be as good as gone" said Sirius, trying to guess the age of the info-nurse.

There were still 10 minutes before it was time for the appointment.

The info-nurse left and Sirius got bored.

"So do you think they will operate on you?"

"What?" said James.

"You know, cut in your you-know-who and look inside it"

James looked horrified. "I'm going!"

"You're not going anywhere, of course they won't be operating anything!" said Lily. "Sirius, shut up"

"I'm just saying what I've heard, muggles cut in everything"

"Although, when you've read this brochure you're gonna wish they'd just cut in you…" said Remus, handing him a brochure about andrological examinations.

James and Sirius read it.

"I'm going!" said James, getting up.

"Oh come off it, it's not that a big deal" said Sirius.

"Pad's, why aren't you defending me when you know there's nothing wrong with me!"

"There are plenty of things wrong with you"

James groaned.

Suddenly his name was called. James looked up. It was the info-nurse. And next to her was the andrologist, an even more beautiful woman. James brightened up.

"Are you ready, mr Potter?"

"Boy, am I!"

He got up, but Lily dragged him down again. "Oh no you aren't! We're out of here!"

"But Lily, there might me something wrong with me!"

"I don't care, we can adopt" she said, dragging him towards the exit.

"Prongs, do you mind if I get checked in your place?" said Sirius, already flirting with the nurse.

"Not at all"

_(A/N: Wow, you made it this far! That makes me happy! Still in writers block...)_


	9. Chapter 9

Order members and their friends and loved ones stood spread across the room, mingling with each other by the snack table or dancing to _Monster Mash _by Boris Picket & the Crypt Kickers.

Spiders were spinning webs on the walls, carved pumpkins stood here and there and other decorative stuff you have on Halloween. Because it was Halloween, in case you didn't figure that out.

Mrs Weasley, dressed as the Mad Muggles' female sidekick Miss Muggylicious, came in to refill the punch bowl.

She was hosting the party.

"Drinks for all!" she called happily.

"Molly, you have got to give me the recipe for those brownies!" said Alice Longbottom, wearing a sheet with two holes in them. Which meant ghost.

"Oh it's nothing special, really…"

Meanwhile, Han Solo tried to convince Leia to dance with him.

"But Lily, this song is so good!"

"Please, if that's not lame backup I don't know what is!"

Luke Skywalker sang along with the back up. "_He did the mash…the monster mash…waoooh wa wa waoooh…"_

No, it wasn't Remus. It was Sirius. He was intentionally trying to sound how he thought Remus probably would sound if he was singing in the Shrieking Shack, though. Which annoyed Ben Kenobi, who threw an apple at him.

Sirius went to flirt with some girl who looked like the tooth fairy.

"Hello there, wanna see my 'light saber'?" he winked. And got slapped across the face instantly.

Lily went to talk with her friends instead.

When Sirius came back, James lowered his voice.

"Anyway, Pads, I would appreciate if you didn't lace the punch with Firewhiskey"

Sirius gasped. "How can you say that?!"

"I'm just saying, I found out this morning that I'm all out of that potion! So I don't want Lily and I to get drunk and, you know, lose judgement"

"Please, even when you were sober you tried to peek under her skirt in class…" said Remus, swinging his saber at Sirius. "I challenge you to a saber duel! Are you man enough to accept?"

"You already laced the punch, didn't you Pads" James sighed.

"Not all of them, just the sort Moons likes best" said Sirius, happily accepting the challenge. "Is that all ya got, ya pansy?!"

"Pansy, am I?!"

"Well, I don't blame you for wanting to do that" said James.

Suddenly, Lily jumped up on James' back and held her hand before his eyes.

"Guess who!" she giggled.

Sirius just spotted Marlene McKinnon and was about to go flirt with her, but James held him back.

"Did you forget that Lily and Moons has pretty much the same taste in everything?!" he hissed.

"Forget? How was I to know that?!"

Lily wasn't listening to their conversation. She got off James' back and went to duel with Remus.

"Ay ye ye ye ye ye ye ye!" she yelled, swinging James' saber.

"Because Lily has pretty much idolised him since our first year and Moons is extremely girly!"

"I HEARD that!" Remus shouted, throwing an apple at James.

"Well it's true, only a girl would throw an apple at someone" said Sirius.

"Oh? So what do 'men' throw?"

"Watermelons" said Sirius, like it was just as obvious as that cows say 'moo'.

"There are no watermelons here. Because it's October, going on November"

"_I am sixteen going on seventeen…_" Lily hummed and suddenly Remus started yodelling.

"See? Only a girl would see Sound of Music" said James.

"What has that got to do with anything?" Sirius asked. He had never seen Sound of Music.

"Er…nothing?"

"You know what I've always wanted to do?" Remus asked, sincerely. "Hick bubbles. I'm gonna go look for a soap to swallow, who's with me?"

"Ooo, don't wanna miss that" said James, joining Remus on his quest for a soap.

A few hours and goblets of punch later (All bowls had been laced now), James thought that maybe kid weren't the end of the world.

"Where's Prongs?" Sirius asked Remus, who was busy playing pictionary with Dorcas Meadows.

"He and Lily just went home. Uhm, a greyish blob?"

"Oh come on, that's just cruel!, it's a fried egg! And this, the circle here, is the yolk!"

Dorcas threw the pen at Remus.

"You let him go home?! With Lily?! Drunk?!" Sirius shouted.

"Yes, I did. Does this look like a fried egg to you?" Remus showed him the pictured.

"Not really, no, but do you realize what you have done?! We must make sure that they don't get any kids!"

"Why?"

"Because then he won't have time with me anymore! We must go to their place right away and- Is that the info-nurse standing by the bar?"

"Ah, I see you met my cousin!" said Dorcas. Sirius forgot his sorrows and went to flirt with the info-nurse.

_(A/N: Yes, I have another chap done after this part and then I really must force myself out of the writers block I'm STILL in! Sigh. I have so many on going fics I oughta finish...but I never seem to manage it...Well, hope you enjoyed it. As you might have figured out, I intentionally got them drunk on halloween 'cause that's exactly 9 months from July 31. Then I don't really know if you get preg right away...and from when you start counting...when the synptoms start...they didn't teach us this in biology!)_


	10. Chapter 10

Whenever Dumbledore wasn't present at and Order meeting, Alice was appointed chairman. While she talked about how successful the past week had been and listed parts that could be improved, Lily tried not to rustle too much when she tried to figure out where her M&Ms' could have disappeared to.

"I can't have eaten them all already…" she muttered, peeking into the bag.

"That's what happens when you pour them in your mouth like tequila" said Sirius.

"Put a sock in it, you prat!"

"_You _put a sock in it!"

"-I am happy to announce that they are now safely locked up in Azkaban, and if the two of you don't keep quiet I'll make sure you get to share a cell with them!" Alice told them off. "Now where was I…"

Lily glanced at Remus who sat right across the table.

"Oh Remus…" she cooed, knocking on the table to get his attention. "You always carry around chocolate with you…Could I just have a teensy weensy bite? Preferably all of it"

"Sorry, all I had were those M&Ms' I'm afraid"

Lily groaned. "But I'm staaarving…Doesn't anyone have anything edible?!"

"Have you asked _everyone_?" Sirius asked.

"Are you saying you got something?"

"I might have…but even so, why should give anything to you, meanie?"

Lily forced a smile. "I'm sorry for what I said; I get so cranky when I'm hungry"

"So basically, you've been starving all your life"

In her mind-theatre, Lily tore his head off and put it on a pole.

"I have been working out a lot lately"

"No you haven't"

"I haven't apparated anywhere a month, I walked here this morning!"

"Then shouldn't you be _losing _weight?"

James didn't bother to argue with them anymore. Some people just didn't get along.

Lily flew up and was just about to shout at him when she realized that she was really hungry. She was just going to have to swallow her pride this time.

"Please…Be so kind...What do you want me to do?"

"Jump up on the table and do the Hula while singing 'I'm a little teapot'"

"Come on!"

"Or starve, it's your choice"

Lily sighed deeply. "Alice…Do you mind if I interrupt you for a moment?"

"Uhm…Not at all, go ahead" Alice sat down.

Lily jumped up on the table and awkwardly did the Hula.

"_I'm a little teapot short and stout…"_ she more muttered than sang.

"I hope you'll never get married, Pads', because I would not be nice to your wife" said James.

"I'm sorry, but I don't give away my treasure to just anyone for free"

When Lily was through singing and had sat down again, feeling more humiliated for being applauded at than flattered, she held out a hand. "This better be delicious, hand it over!"

Sirius reached for his foot under the table and took off a sock, and gave it to Lily.

"There you go"

Lily glowered at him and shoved the sock in his mouth.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Another one of those 'Boy's night out' evenings, James and co sat at the Leaky Cauldron, discussing Lily's guzzling, frequent moods-wings, morning sickness and increasing weight. No clue of what could possibly be wrong.

"I know I said I'd love her even if she was fat…But maybe not quite as much" said James.

"I once heard of this bacterium that makes you feel hungry all the time" said Sirius.

"I told her this morning; if you don't wanna throw up every morning, don't eat so much!"

"Is that how you got the bump on your head?" Remus asked.

James nodded. "I'd get rid of all the frying pans, but she'd just find new ones"

"Maybe she's depressed" Sirius suggested. "Depressed people eat a lot"

"Well…She did tear her favourite skirt the other day…"

"You remember Mandy? She spilled coffee on her sweater and cried about it for a week"

"Maybe it was because you broke up with her just before that" said Remus.

"…Could be…Do you have to remember _everything_?"

"I don't have to…I just do"

"Wow that would make a great song…_I don't have to, I just dooo…" _hummed James, forgetting his worries for a sec.

"Well I am lyrical"

"And smart! You should know what's wrong with my darling!"

"I think I'll let you figure it out for yourself, that will be more fun. For me"

"You have to tell me if you know, Moons! She could be dying!"

"Then I would tell you"

"So what is it?!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Didn't biology teach you _anything_?"

"Who?"

"Look, there's Lily right now, why don't you ask yourself"

_(A/N: Yes and this is how far I have made it. I don't what should happen next...or I kinda know but I don't know how to make it interesting...ish. Anyways thanks for reading)_


	11. Chapter 11

James was shocked. Shocked! Yes, that shocked! Which was weird because he had already feared it would happen at the party. But I guess you're never prepared for anything.  
Anyway, his friends and Lily had managed to drag him home because he had been embarrassing their pants off at the pub by looking all chalk white, rocking backwards and forwards while trembling like mad shouting his special recipe for chocolate chip cookies.  
He did that when he was _really _shocked. Or drunk.  
"ADD…A CUP OF FLOUR…MIX…THE EGGS…"  
"That's it, I'm getting my frying pan" Lily said and went to get the heaviest one.  
"This is all your fault, Pads" said Remus, sitting down.  
"_My _fault?"  
"Yes, your fault"  
"So I told him the stench of used nappies would take up residence beneath his skin leaving him stuck smelling like that cologne he thinks is vanilla for the rest of his life…I thought you guys had made a pact not to believe everything I say anyway!"  
"This is _Prongs _we're talking about! He thinks that 'pact' is a kind of poncho!"  
"…You mean it isn't?"  
Lily came back ten minutes later followed by the frying pan. She had shot a levitating charm at it but…well, it was that heavy.  
"Now, if any of you guys know a beat-this-person-in-the-head spell…?"  
Sirius shot the Levitation Extra Strong Deluxe Charm at it (he had invented it back in his Hogwarts days when James had dared him to shake the castle like a maracas) and the frying pan flew up, so high and so fast it made a hole in the ceiling. A few seconds later the spell wore off and the pan flew straight at James head.  
"Ow! Where am I…"  
"Maybe he got…amnesia!" said Sirius dramatically.  
"Nope. He just likes pretending he does" said Remus.  
"Wait…I remember…weren't we at a pub just now? And then…and then…"  
"Prongs, the stench of used nappies wont take up residence under your skin and if you think Satan uses pacifiers to spy on mankind, just don't buy them!" said Remus.  
"So…I won't smell vanilla?" James asked Sirius.  
"No, you won't smell vanilla"  
James stood up.  
"Hooray! I won't smell vanilla!"

A sunny spring day in April with birds chirping and trees budding, James popped into Sirius pad just to show him all the cute things he had bought today.  
"Isn't this the most adorable thing you have ever seen?" he said, reaching into one of the 14 paper-bags he had put on the kitchen table and handed it to Sirius.  
Sirius observed the miniature plastic magic operated broomstick.  
"I…got nothing"  
"Look, look! Goal posts! Hahaha! And check this out! Foam-rubber bludgers! You know, so little Willie won't get a concussion when he plays with his little friends…"  
Sirius giggled. "You're gonna call him 'Willie'?"  
"Pads, you are so low Flitwick couldn't limbo under you! Burn!"  
"As part midget, I find that offensive!"  
"Part midget my ass, if you were any taller you wouldn't ask Hagrid for a piggy-back-ride, he would ask you! Burn again!"  
"As part giant, I find that offensive"  
"Yes, you're mother is a skank, I get it"  
James went on showing all he had bought.  
"Look, Kenmare Kestrels Children's Quidditch Robe, isn't it delightful? Oh, and matching mittens and a hat with their logo…And doesn't this plush leprechaun just make you all warm and fussy inside? You know, Darren O'Hare designed it!"  
"Who?" Sirius yawned, thinking that he really didn't need more of this, four girlfriends were enough.  
"Who? Only the best keeper Kenmare's ever had! Founder of Hawkshead Attacking Formation! Any of this a-ringing a bell? I lost count of how many times it helped us winning a game at Hogwarts…"  
So there you have it. It hadn't taken long for James to adapt to his new role as a soon-to-be father.

One day when James was painting the guestroom, with a little help of his friends of course, he thought of something.  
"So which one of you wants to be the Godfather?" he asked.  
"Me! Me!" Sirius jumped up and down waving his hands.  
"Yes, I knew it would be tough the decision to make; choosing between the two of you…"  
"That's ok, he can be it" said Remus.  
"Moony you're so thoughtful!" said Sirius with tears in his eyes.  
"So I will hold a competition where you must fight fair and square for the honour!" James announced, not listening.  
"But I just said, I don't really wanna be the-"  
"To the Stag Mobile!"  
There was an awkward pause.  
"First of all, you don't have a stag mobile. Second of all, where are we going?" Sirius asked.  
"Living room. By foot then! Follow me, lads!"

_(A/N: Would you look at that, the writers block disappeared long enough for me to write 2 chapters! Tried updating this saturday...sunday...monday...and today it finally worked!)_


	12. Chapter 12

James told Sirius and Remus to wait while he went to get something. They sat down on the sofa.

"So I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde" said Sirius.

"Really?"

"Yeah"

James came back holding a green, rattling box that he placed on the coffee table.

"Not fair, Prongs! You know Moony always wins _Wizard's Trivial Pursuit!_" Sirius complained.

James opened the box and emptied it on the floor.

"I know that! To make it fair, I have another competition prepared for you once you're through with this" he said, placing the board on the table. "Colour?"

10 minutes later, Remus was only missing one piece. The orange one of doom!

James read the question.

"What is a _snidget_?"

"How is that a sports question?" Remus asked.

"I take that as you don't know the answer"

"It's a bird"

"Yes, used for…?"

"Er…tennis?"

James put the card at the bottom of the pile.

"Wrongs, it was used as a snitch. Until they got extinct. Pads, your turn"

It took long for Sirius to catch up with Remus. The only reason he managed that to begin with was because he knew absolutely nothing about sports.

"Now, Sirius, if you answer this one correctly you will win this round" said James.

Sirius dreaded the coming question. Because the colour was brown. Which meant literature!

"Who wrote _Quidditch_ _Through_ _The_ _Ages_?"

"I know this! I know this! Um…"

Remus already knew that he had lost. How many times hadn't James talked about that book…

"Kennilworthy Whisp!"

"Yes! You are correct!"

"I won! I won!"

"And now, it's time for part two, my boys" said James mysteriously. "It's supposed to be Padfoot's area of expertise but as we have witnessed just now, anything can happen! To the Stag Mobile!"

James posed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

James brought them to the local pub. They went straight for the bar and ordered some alcohol.

"So why are we here?" Remus asked.

James turned around and pointed at a really pretty girl that sat all by herself not so far from them.

"See the girl over there?"

"Hey, she looks familiar" said Sirius, trying to figure out where he could have met her.

"Her name is Linda. He parents are Catholics. Both are priests. Once they caught her fooling around with the pool keeper and they threatened to send her to a monastery. Well, that's about all you need to know. Good luck, lads!"

James asked for another glass of whiskey.

"How do you know all this and exactly what are we supposed to do?" said Remus.

"She's a friend of Lily's. And duh, the one whom she follows home is the winner"

Sirius rolled his eyes and snorted, as if this was as easy as taking candy from Dumbledore. Not that that was easy. Nearly impossible, as a matter of fact. But still, Sirius went bravely over to the girl.

"Say, I'm a bit cold. Mind if I get under your clothes?"

Hard as it was to believe, that line had never failed for him.

"Sirius?"

"H-how do you know my name?"

Linda stood up and chucked her drink at his face.

"You got some nerve, you pig! I can't believe you don't even remember me!"

"Of cooourse I remember you…Dora…"

"That's NOT my name!"

"What's not your name? I didn't say a name…Lindsay…?"

Linda rolled here eyes. "You get a gold star for being close. Does 'Linda' ring any bell?"

"Oh Linda! Now I remember!"

There was a pause.

"Why don't you just admit you don't remember me? Honestly, what have you got to loose?"

"You know, you do look familiar! Are you the one who doesn't know when to stop picking your toe nails?"

"No, I'm the one with stuffed animals on my bed!"

Now, THAT rang a bell.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't a good reason to dump you. But give me a break! How was I to know my mate had prepared some competition where I was supposed to hit on _you _of all people!"

"Is there any girl here you _don't _know?!"

Sirius looked around. They all did look familiar.

"Ok, I'm sorry. I'm the flee on rats. Please forgive me?"

Linda smirked.

"So who are you competing against?"

"That guy over there with the mars bar" Sirius pointed.

"Wow, he's cute"

Sirius looked entreatingly in her eyes.

"Please? Let me win? I'll do anything?"

"You're willing to attend my mother's annual tea party then?"

"Uh what else you got?"

Linda went to Remus. They started talking about books. Sirius just had to admit he had lost.

_(A/N: Writers block again after this. I like this part, to be honest. My sister says my fics are like sit coms. I kinda agree sometimes. RHCP concert on monday, who's jealous of me??!! -sings- slow cheetah come befor my forest looks like its on today. . .) _


	13. Chapter 13

Lily sat in her livingroom, knitting cute mittens with Alice as they discussed fitting names.

"Frank annoys me so, he doesn't take this seriously at all" said Alice. "He thinks we should call him _Neville_! Name one super hero that is called that!"

"So you know it's a boy then"

"Yup. Got anymore rocky road?"

"I sent my house elf to get some, he should be back any time now"

"When did you get a house elf?"

"Did I say house elf? I meant James. I should replace him with a house elf, though, house elves don't sneak off to a pub when they should be rubbing my feet, that good-for-nothing brickhead!"

"I hear you" Alice agreed. "Yesterday, I politely asked Frankie to get me some marshmallows, but he just whined about how his spine was still cracked because he had lifted the fridge to the livingroom. So I told him that he should just have used magic! And then he just blamed everything on me, just because I had broke his wand earlier when he didn't put enough chocolate sauce on my sundae!"

"Men!"

"I'll say!"

Sirius and Remus stopped by, looking for James.

"Where's the house elf?" Sirius asked.

"Late! He better be in a terrible accident for this!" Lily snapped.

There was a 'poof' and out of the fire stepped the house elf into the room.

"Rocky road alert"

Lily summoned the ice cream.

"What took you so damn long?!"

"The lines are always endless on Saturdays!"

"So? Alice and I could have starved to death!"

"What are you talking about, there's plenty of Haagen Dazs and Texas Pecan in the freezer"

"But that's not what we were peckish for, now was it?!"

James went to the kitchen to get a pill for his sudden headache. Sirius and Remus followed.

"I know an excellent excorsist that could help you" said Remus.

"Really?" said James hopefully.

"An excorsist wouldn't work on Evans" Sirius pointed out. "Because she isn't possessed by satan, she _is _satan"

"Oh well...2 more months and then...at least she wont be fat anymore. And I guess I'm lucky her temper hasn't changed, like I thought it would. Anyway, it's a good thing you stopped by because I just realized I haven't chosen a godfather yet"

"Yeah about that...I think it's only fair that Moons get to be it" said Sirius.

"But I thought you wanted to" said Remus.

"Oh that's not so important to me anymore"

"But it was never important to me"

"Come on, let's face it, I'm not really guardian material. I would probably put little Sirius in the oven by accident"

"FYI, I'm not naming my kid after you" said James.

"I understand, we don't even know if it's gonna be a boy"

"Like you know what an oven is" said Remus.

"Exactly! So we agree then?"

"No! I'm not guardian material either, I'm poor and carnivorous for sobbing quietly"

"Yeah right, you're about as threatening as the sparigots you munch..."

"Guys what have you got against my unborn child all of a sudden!" James asked.

"Nothing, I'd just...rather not have anything to do with anyone with the genes of that demon you're married to. It's bad enough to have her plotting my death"

"She is not-"

"Sssh!"

All three stayed quiet so they could hear what Lily and Alice were talking about.

"-And the other hamburger will also be made of his lungs, see"

"Lily, stop it, it sounds too delicious for me to handle!"

"See?" said Sirius.

James dragged Sirius with him to the livingroom.

"If you don't mind, Lily, I have decided on a godfather"

"I do mind"

"Well, then you can forget about rocky road!"

James snatched the ice cream jar from Lily. Everybody gasped because James had never gone against her before.

"Give that back!"

"No! I am sick of you two constantly making up plans of how to kill each other! We're not in Hogwarts anymore, so act like it!"

"That sounds so weird, hearing it from someone who still puts raisins in his nose" said Sirius.

"I-I wasn't really gonna kill him, please I'm no murderer ha hahaha ha" Lily shifted her eyes, giggling nervously.

"The point is, do you even remember why you hate eachother so?" James asked.

"I don't even know what it means to shove in a stick...? Sirius shrugged.

"No, the word you're looking for is _chauvinistic_" said Lily.

"That's what I said, but what's more important is that you're not so perfect either. Just look at yourself!"

Lily did so.

"...What?"

"You're huuuge!"

"You want me to wrestle you?!"

"Moons, help please" said James.

"But you were actually doing great, you really had some persuasive arguments" said Remus, being taught to knit by Alice.

"Yeah, because of the note of what to say you wrote me"

"I do rule. Just lock them both inside a room for an hour"

James didn't ponder that too long before he lied and said there were blueberry muffins in the bathroom.

_(A/N: Would you look at that, I updated)_


	14. Chapter 14

Lily and Sirius could not believe the nerve of James. Or his cleverness, for that matter, to come up with the idea of tricking them to go into the bathroom by saying there were muffins. And the worst part was that there were no muffins.

"Well, it is rather obvious why he did this even though I will curse him red, white and blue as soon as I get out of her" said Lily, sitting down on the tub edge.

"I think we should pay in kind" said Sirius.

"How? By tricking him to get in here by saying there are muffins?"

"Precisely"

Lily thought of that. "It's so crazy, it just might work"

James sat blocking the door. Remus and Alice were there too, of course, neither of them had anything better to do.

"Now you stay in there and I won't let you out until you are friends!" he yelled to them.

"As if we wanted to, when there are muffins!" Lily yelled back.

James got up to peek through the keyhole.

"I don't see any muffins!"

"That-that's because they are in the tub" said Sirius.

"Oh really? Why don't you show me one?"

"And tempt you to get in here and steal them all? I think not!"

James turned to Remus and Alice.

"They are bluffing, right?"

Both shrugged.

"Last time I checked there were no muffins in the tub! And Dumbledore said there is no muffin conjuring spell!"

"I sometimes hide cookies in the bathroom so I have something to eat in the shower" said Alice.

James was extremely tempted to kick the door open, but decided to resist their urge.

"I still think they're bluffing"

"Oh no, he doesn't believe us" said Lily.

"Ooo I know!" Sirius poured up some water in a cup and poured it on the floor.

"Oh my god I can't believe my water just broke!"

James stormed inside and slipped on the water, while Lily and Sirius went out and locked the door.

"HA!"

"Heeey! That was just cruel! Now let me out!"

"No, you stay in there and think about what you did!" said Lily.

"Fine! Where are the muffins?"

"There are no muffins, idiot. Everyone who wants ice cream, follow me"

xxx

The summer was boilingly hot and moods were swinging worse than ever.

"Aw it's kicking!" said Lily harmonically.

"Can I feel?" James asked.

Lily kicked him hard in the stomach. "There! Now get me my pepsi, damn it!"

"You know, with birth being so gross, it used to be beyond me why women want children. But now I get it" said Sirius, who was there what a shock.

"Yeah...it's great, hurting men without going to jail for it"

"I'm so envious. Now I wanna be pregnant"

"You know, when Molly was expecting Percy, she had Arthur feeling sympathy pains! You could do that!"

James came back with the pepsi and gave it to Lily. Sirius kicked him hard in the stomach.

"OW! What the bloody hell was that for?!"  
"Where is my pepsi?!"

"You wanted one? Just ask nicely!"

"That's hardly what you did when you planted your seed in my pot, mr!"

James stared at him.

"What are you talking about?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't you men get anything?"

"They don't, welcome to my world" said Lily.

James decied it would be best not to argue any further and went to get Sirius a pepsi.

"There you go"

Sirius opened it and took a zip.

"Oh no...I think I'm gonna vomit!" he said, storming off to the bathrroom.

James stared after him. And then at Lily.

"What did I miss?"

"My lunch! Go put on your ovenmits and get those saucepans boiling, slave!"

"Yes, mam-"

"No...wait"

"Now what? Shall I fluff your pillow, your highness? Make lobster stuffing out of it? Shove it down your stomach so you got another thing to complain about?" James muttered.

"Maybe later...it's coming"

xxx

Looking for st Mungos' maternity ward, Sirius and Remus stumbled upon Frank, a very proud father.

"Oh you should see him, he is sooo cute! Alice's eyes and everything!"

Frank showed the way. They found James in the waiting room.

"So...any news?" Sirius asked.

"How should I know, I'm stuck here"

"Not allowed inside?" said Remus.

"No, I was. But I passed out because Lily squeezed my hand so hard and then I woke up here. Oh, the injustice"

"Tell me about it! I told a nurse my baby is on the way but she refused to deliver me!" said Sirius.

"W-what?" said Remus.

"Don't ask" said James. "Anyway, they refuse to let me back in because I knocked over their equipment stand"

"I'm going back to Alice" said Frank. "Anyone wanna see my little infant?"

"Oh my god how fat is it?" Sirius asked.

"Beg pardon?"

"Infant is not a baby elefant" Remus explained.

"It's not?"

A healer cleared her throat.

"Mr Potter, if you would like to come with me"

_(A/N: Ah FINally it's over! That was the last chapter. Yes the end was corny but...I couldn't think of a way to make it un-corny. Hopefully you don't think it's corny. Unless you like corny. Hope you liked it and thanks for reviewing!)_


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